1. Point out any words or phrases in the thesis that could be more specific. (See the Thesis section, page 116, for more guidance.)
Expanding on aspects of diversity or how the local surrounding can influence diversity could make your thesis more specific and help show how these factors are important to the Kalaga community.
2. Where can the writer do more analysis and reveal more about the subject in the observation? (Point to passages that seem most obvious to you. As you read, look for claims that anyone could immediately offer without intensive analysis. Beside these passages, write “more analysis?” If you can suggest an interesting idea, explain it on the back of the writer’s draft.)
In your second paragraph, you state that there is a language difference between the Muslim Kalagans and the Christian Kalagans. Analyzing the specific phrases that each religion uses and contrasting them with each other could show how, even within their own community, the Kalagans are diverse in culture that is influenced by their beliefs.
3. Help the writer illustrate his or her claims with details. As you read, look for and point out broad characterizations—those that anyone could imagine without a close observation. Ask yourself: Could this be more specific? Can we really see the particular nuances of the subject? Ask for “more details” where the writer could more intensely show the points.
In your third paragraph, you share some phrases that the Muslim community uses without offering a translation to English. If you were to include this translation, it would show how the interactions within the Kalagan community are structured and how the compare to our interactions.
4. Offer some figurative language to help characterize the subject. After you have read the entire draft, offer your own metaphor or simile about the subject. Give your suggestion on the back of the draft. Make sure it is something that fits the writer’s voice.
Adding a metaphor equating the non-human objects that are believed to have spirits to living, breathing human beings will help show the adherence to their belief systems.
5. If the writer uses narrative, does it help support the main idea of the observation? How? (If you have difficulty explaining how it supports the main point, perhaps the writer should rethink its use in the essay!)
The essay mainly focuses on the ways of life of the Kalagan religion, only using first person perspective in the opening paragraph to state that these observations come from your point of view. Having the essay switch to an analytical essay about observation from a third person point of view allows you to focus more on their culture and less on how you view their culture, which helps inform the reader and give more perspective on how they live.
6. Are the paragraphs coherent? Do you ever get the sense that a paragraph is giving details that seem unrelated to one another or unrelated to the point of the essay? If so, write in the margin “check paragraph coherence.”
The paragraphs are coherent, focusing on one particular aspect of the Kalagan culture and how their ways of life are influenced by surrounding cultures, religions, and the physical environment and how they interact with each of those.
7. The most focused statement possible often makes for a better introduction. Suggest a surprisingly focused opening statement.
Combining your two opening sentences into, “The world is full of diversity that can be experienced in nature, environment, landscape, living beings, behaviors, culture, tradition and so on,” can help immediately show your intent with the focus of your paper.
8. Consider the writer’s voice. If the writer is present (using “I”), is this necessary? Explain how the presence of the writer helps make the point of the observation. If the writer is invisible (no “I”), how is that beneficial? Where could the writer be more informal (breaking some conventions) or more formal?
As stated in the section about narrative, having the focus of your paper be a third- person observation of this culture helps the reader to gain more knowledge on the subject as a whole with the structure of the paper.
9. Help the writer avoid common grammatical errors: comma splices, sentence fragments, or pronoun/antecedent agreement. Write down the specific subject of the observation. Then complete the following statement: “Ultimately, this essay is not about [the specific subject: a weasel, for example]. It is about _______________”
Paragraph 1: “The diversity based on survival, culture, tradition…”: “and” can be placed before “tradition”, “While we can see difference between different tribes on human…”: “difference” can be changed to “differences”, “on” can be changed to “of”, and “human” can be changed to “humans”.
Paragraph 3: “…they have value hospitality, in welcoming…”: “have” can be removed and the comma can be replaced with a period and in being capitalized.
Paragraph 4: “…such as farming and casual labor and art.”: the list can be changed to “farming, casual labor, and art.”,
Paragraph 6: “…rites of passage among the Kalagans some of which…”: a comma can be placed after “Kalagans”, “Such rules that make Kalagan marriages unique is…”: can be changed to, “One such rule that makes Kalagan marriages unique is…”.
Ultimately, this essay is not about the Kalag group. It is about how your environment can shape and structure you and how your response to those outside forces shapes you as a person.
You mentioned not being able to translate their native language directly into English, but I think if you were able to have a rough generalization of what they were saying translated into English it would help the reader have more context as to how the Kalagan people interact. I think your approach to the sensitive matters of rituals was handled well with enough context given to understand the importance of the rituals. I appreciate you allowing me to learn about a culture that I wasn’t even aware existed!